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As a relationship grows and evolves, as it should, those involved can reassess their roles through a process of give and take — figuring out what works and what doesn't, what their strengths and weaknesses are, and what they're comfortable with. Roles in heterosexual relationships are evolving and have been for quite some time, but traditional gender roles often see the man playing a dominant or protective role, while the woman is expected to be submissive.
These roles are often reinforced through media, society and our institutions. Whether right or wrong, a relationship commencing along traditional gender lines gives each partner a place to start with the knowledge of what their respective roles are or can be. In my experience, however, there is no starting point for partners entering a same-sex relationship — it's like a blank canvas. Some people may like that and find it to be liberating and freeing, but I find it to be overwhelming. My life thrives on structure and what one's expectations are of me.
Every relationship will come with its own sets of challenges; mistakes will be made and lessons will be learned. My mother and grandmother raised me, and while everybody should be treated with respect, these two women who raised me specifically taught me "how a man should treat a lady. As I began forming relationships, I quickly learned the heterosexual expectations I had learned growing up could not and should not be applied to same-sex relationships.
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I had to throw out the rulebook I had been taught as a child and try to figure things out on my own. I could not find any studies conducted on general power imbalances in same-sex couples except for whether the power imbalances influenced sexual risk outcomes. I have had several boyfriends all of which I've been sexually active with; I have never felt like I was at a greater sexual risk, though I did feel like sex was a tool one of my exes frequently used to exert control over me.
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I have not had long-lasting or meaningful romantic relationships, and for the longest time I believed it's because I had a poor choice in men. A couple of my exes have gone on to get married and appear to be genuinely happy. As I've done some deep soul searching, I've come to believe I've lacked having successful relationships because I have struggled to learn what my role is supposed to be, I have had trouble adapting, or a combination of both. When any kind of relationship doesn't have clearly defined roles, it leaves things open to be misinterpreted and for people to do their own thing.
One of my lesbian friends has avoided dating because she is overwhelmed by not knowing what her role should be. This severely shrinks the pool of potential partners, which has made finding a girlfriend feel next to impossible for her. In my opinion, gender roles provide guidance and define the role people in a relationship should consider taking. For many of my friends who are or who have been in same-sex relationships, they have recognized there are power imbalances and have worked through them.
My friends felt that being able to effectively communicate and work through the conflict that the power imbalance posed ultimately determined whether or not their relationship would survive.
Conflict can be healthy and one's ability to work through a conflict and come out of it builds character. I had wrongly assumed that if my same-sex relationships could not be built along opposite gender lines, then they would have to be defined by me being naturally submissive while finding a dominant partner; instead, this just led to even more tension as I felt like my partners were taking too much of a leadership role and therefore shutting me out of the decision-making in our relationships.
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